"Alone" and "lonely" aren't the same thing. One is a physical state of being and the other is 100% emotional. However, the two go so closely hand in hand that that differentiation isn't always evident, or even existent. Being one without the other is either a frightening predicament or an incredible achievement. Basically, it can come down to your own way of looking at life but it can also be a product of circumstances outside of your control.
For the past three Christmas seasons (I'm including this one), I have been outside of the states, but not once yet have I been alone OR lonely. That first year in Mexico, Friedly trip abruptly cancelled, Colleen still made it down, ergo neither of us was alone at all. The second year, my family was able to make the visit and it felt like any other Christmas because, really what is Christmas, anyway, but time with Family?
This year, even with my countless Christmas "lessons" for my Mathayom 3 classrooms, it still shocks me that I have found myself, today, writing a blog on Christmas eve. I'm used to the lack of white wonderland (I may not like it, but I have learned to accept that the season isn't always snowy or cold), but the lack of anything is strange. Even before my American visitors arrived, the office at INAOE was always more than festive. We had a Christmas tree and we had a gift exchange and Cholula was lit up with Christmas lights for weeks before the day and weeks after. It was present in my life. Not here.
I'm sitting in a café, alone and maybe a little lonely, trying to get in the spirit but it's not so easy. This cafe looks the same as always and the music dancing through the speakers isn't even Christmasy. It's not all in Thai but even the English stuff is what they always play here. Nothing has been altered in any way to acknowledge what today is. Tonight I am taking an overnight bus to Bangkok to see some friends from training and while I'm excited to have plans... there is still this nervousness present in my heart. While I am going to, presumably, meet up with people, I'm still going alone. The hostel I booked, is for me, alone. I won't even have a seat-mate on the 9 hour bus ride. It's a strange feeling and it reminds me of the moment I realized that the Thai language was a challenge that I had not fully appreciated or anticipated. This aloneness wasn't avoided (and maybe it couldn't have been anyway) but I didn't think it would affect me this much.
Yes, missing holidays with family is hard no matter where you are. It doesn't matter if all the people around you are overdoing it with their own joy or if they barely recognize that the day is something significant for you at all; the people that know "your" traditions and do all the right things to make Christmas what it is for you aren't there to fill in the picture.
Outlook is everything, right? And Christmas is "just a day." That means I'm going to have to try and take control of the "circumstances out of my control" and remember, once again, that I chose to be here and I'm genuinely glad for it (every other day of the year). I might be more alone than I've ever been before (holiday or no) but I refuse to be lonely.
Allow me to wish everyone the best Christmas possible and an amazing entry into 2017! Photos to come.
Friday, December 23, 2016
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Just one of those days...
Today was kind of rough.
It was one of those days where you wake up and you just know that every waking hour is going to make it hard on you. It was the kind of day where all the little pieces of the world you live in are varying shades of black and white, you can't help it, of course, because who'd rather watch only the first part of The Wizard of Oz knowing how much better the second part is? It's just the way it is and all day you have these little moments where you tell yourself, "You made it to the light at the end of the tunnel, this day wasn't as bad as you thought" and then your internet goes out and you think, "Internet is a luxury anyway what do I need it for?" but your coteacher sees you struggling and then kind of hijacks your computer to "fix" the problem and 2 hours later the problem isn't fixed but all the tabs you've been carefully hoarding for months are definitely deleted and the screen looked a little different and you can't figure out how and you definitely can't be mad about it because she was trying to help.
It's the kind of day where you are taking attendance and you notice that one of your students keeps raising her hand for several similar sounding names in a row and that she is very confused about who she is or what her number is and you come to find out that you've been working with an attendance sheet that is not up to date so even the kids don't know what you are talking about and not only is your entire attendance record for the semester ruined (it's been 7 weeks) but the test you gave them might be trash as well because you'll never be totally sure whose is whose.
It's the kind of day where your last class is 15 minutes late so you're sitting outside waiting and a Thai teachers breezes over to you and tells you, "You can't sit like that" and you are so surprised and affronted and, yea, mad too because, 1. In YOUR culture it's not ok to just tell a coworker how to be, and 2. You honestly didn't know there was a more polite way to sit than "legs crossed." And you try and be like, "Wait, what? Why?" but your students show up at that exact moment (to save you?) so you let yourself get swept into the classroom leaving her outside, and you think you could have maybe hurt her feelings and most of you cares about that but a small little Benedict Arnold part of you doesn't because she hurt yours first and you know it's petty and elementary school but does she know what kind of day you've had?
It's the kind of day where you go to buy another GB on your phone (no internet at work, remember?) and you tell the lady 200 baht and you know you said it right because the same thing that always happens when you ask for 200 baht happened- she says something in Thai which you have come to decide means, "There's a promotion" and she shows you that she will be charging you only 150, lucky you! But then she tries to give you 300 baht change for your 500 and instead of thinking you misunderstood how much the 200 baht top-up cost (it's obviously not 150 baht for a 200 baht phone plan) you try to tell her that you need 350 back. So what she does instead is CHARGE you 350 for your phone instead of the 150 you thought you were paying.
It's just one of those days.
But then again...
...you didn't ask for help with the internet but your friend not only recognized that you were frustrated about something, she figured out what about and went out of her way to try and turn it around for you. Who cares if she didn't succeed? Isn't there still such a thing as "it's the thought that counts"?
...the attendance thing was certainly annoying, but one student randomly (and thankfully) just happened to have a copy of the updated version for you. Then, all the girls in the class spent the last few minutes filling in all of the nicknames for you in English so that the next time you came to class you wouldn't be woefully unprepared without even realizing it.
...yea, god we're all adults, but bottom line about the inappropriate sitting thing is you definitely don't have Thai faux pas radar yet. In fact, that's probably not something you can ever achieve (did you ever figure it out 100% in Mexico?), so it's probably possible that you got told in the sweetest possible way that you were offending everyone in the world (your feet were showing after all and aren't those incredibly undesirable in Thailand) and now you know for next time.
...are you gonna use 350 baht on your phone eventually? Oh, god yes. You've already spent 300 baht more than you thought you should this month, you just saved yourself a trip to the store for the next time you burn through a G in a super short amount of time (but whose counting and keeping track, really?). So must we complain about a simple little miscommunication? I mean... you never claimed to speak Thai but you clearly spoke more than that woman spoke English and you kinda achieved your goal anyway. Let's take a win on this one.
Oh. Huh. Maybe my day wasn't so bad after all.
It was one of those days where you wake up and you just know that every waking hour is going to make it hard on you. It was the kind of day where all the little pieces of the world you live in are varying shades of black and white, you can't help it, of course, because who'd rather watch only the first part of The Wizard of Oz knowing how much better the second part is? It's just the way it is and all day you have these little moments where you tell yourself, "You made it to the light at the end of the tunnel, this day wasn't as bad as you thought" and then your internet goes out and you think, "Internet is a luxury anyway what do I need it for?" but your coteacher sees you struggling and then kind of hijacks your computer to "fix" the problem and 2 hours later the problem isn't fixed but all the tabs you've been carefully hoarding for months are definitely deleted and the screen looked a little different and you can't figure out how and you definitely can't be mad about it because she was trying to help.
It's the kind of day where you are taking attendance and you notice that one of your students keeps raising her hand for several similar sounding names in a row and that she is very confused about who she is or what her number is and you come to find out that you've been working with an attendance sheet that is not up to date so even the kids don't know what you are talking about and not only is your entire attendance record for the semester ruined (it's been 7 weeks) but the test you gave them might be trash as well because you'll never be totally sure whose is whose.
It's the kind of day where your last class is 15 minutes late so you're sitting outside waiting and a Thai teachers breezes over to you and tells you, "You can't sit like that" and you are so surprised and affronted and, yea, mad too because, 1. In YOUR culture it's not ok to just tell a coworker how to be, and 2. You honestly didn't know there was a more polite way to sit than "legs crossed." And you try and be like, "Wait, what? Why?" but your students show up at that exact moment (to save you?) so you let yourself get swept into the classroom leaving her outside, and you think you could have maybe hurt her feelings and most of you cares about that but a small little Benedict Arnold part of you doesn't because she hurt yours first and you know it's petty and elementary school but does she know what kind of day you've had?
It's the kind of day where you go to buy another GB on your phone (no internet at work, remember?) and you tell the lady 200 baht and you know you said it right because the same thing that always happens when you ask for 200 baht happened- she says something in Thai which you have come to decide means, "There's a promotion" and she shows you that she will be charging you only 150, lucky you! But then she tries to give you 300 baht change for your 500 and instead of thinking you misunderstood how much the 200 baht top-up cost (it's obviously not 150 baht for a 200 baht phone plan) you try to tell her that you need 350 back. So what she does instead is CHARGE you 350 for your phone instead of the 150 you thought you were paying.
It's just one of those days.
But then again...
...you didn't ask for help with the internet but your friend not only recognized that you were frustrated about something, she figured out what about and went out of her way to try and turn it around for you. Who cares if she didn't succeed? Isn't there still such a thing as "it's the thought that counts"?
...the attendance thing was certainly annoying, but one student randomly (and thankfully) just happened to have a copy of the updated version for you. Then, all the girls in the class spent the last few minutes filling in all of the nicknames for you in English so that the next time you came to class you wouldn't be woefully unprepared without even realizing it.
...yea, god we're all adults, but bottom line about the inappropriate sitting thing is you definitely don't have Thai faux pas radar yet. In fact, that's probably not something you can ever achieve (did you ever figure it out 100% in Mexico?), so it's probably possible that you got told in the sweetest possible way that you were offending everyone in the world (your feet were showing after all and aren't those incredibly undesirable in Thailand) and now you know for next time.
...are you gonna use 350 baht on your phone eventually? Oh, god yes. You've already spent 300 baht more than you thought you should this month, you just saved yourself a trip to the store for the next time you burn through a G in a super short amount of time (but whose counting and keeping track, really?). So must we complain about a simple little miscommunication? I mean... you never claimed to speak Thai but you clearly spoke more than that woman spoke English and you kinda achieved your goal anyway. Let's take a win on this one.
Oh. Huh. Maybe my day wasn't so bad after all.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Capital of the North
Normally, my blogging happens on the weekends. You'd think, therefore, that having two 3-day weekends in a row would mean an overwhelming number of posts. Instead, I've been busy working on memories to write about.
It's taken 2 months, but I've finally made it to the capital of the north, otherwise known as "the whole reason some people go to Thailand," or what you'll find on the map- Chiang Mai. In the past 2 weeks, I've spent a total of 6 days there and that adds up to about a million and three moments where I had to stop and think, "You're in Thailand, girlfriend."
Even the bus ride from Phrae to Chiang Mai (a windy 4 hour trip) is like a person tour of a national park. I felt like we were disrupting a rainforest, everywhere I looked was green, green and more green. I think my jaw went a bit slack at times and I certainly couldn't look away for most of the entire trip.
When you get to Chiang Mai, the beauty continues but what you see more in the Old City is the human-made variety. I honestly felt like you could havae given a monkey a go pro and sent her out to haphazardly take random pictures of the city and more than 80% of those pictures would be Time magazine worthy. There is something to be said about putting down the iPhone and letting the sites surround you, taking it all in and I know that even those pictures carefully framed and shot aren't as good as the real thing, but I had to make it a point at times because I was so driven towards the documentation aspect.
The first weekend that I headed up, I was mostly on my own. I did meet up with some friends on the last night but the first 2 days were spent with me, myself and I. Something that I've been able to realize about myself here in Thailand is that I can be independent when need be. I feel like a growth curve of my life (age on the x-axis and personal strength on the y) would show an insane leap in these past few months and most of that has to do with this forced solitude. When you are not in a group of people all the time and bound by the whims of the majority, you see your own desires and personality pretty clearly in a way that you didn't even realize you were missing out on. There is definitely a stigmatism to it- when is the last time you went out to eat at a restaurant by yourself? To the movies? But, god, when you get over that, there is certainly something liberating about it too!
What did Jesi decide to do with Jesi that first weekend? Well, a lot of temples and coffee houses were visited. But, when you are in Chiang Mai, there are a lot of temples and coffee houses to check out so the pressure to see and try them all is pretty real.
I love temples for many reasons. Maybe you'll recall in a previous blog the cameo of the words "I love cathedrals," and a lot of the principles to both statements are the same, but if possible I love Buddhist temples even more. How can you not love a place where you are obligated to remove your shoes to enter? In all seriousness, I've always been comforted by traditions and I like to learn about Buddhism in general. Every time I go to a new temple, I feel like I learn something new. Ever realize there are 7 forms of the Buddha? Those are for the seven days of the week. Ever realize that people always donate food? That food is not for the Buddha, or the King, or dead ancestors (my mind always went to Día de muertos), it is for the person donating said food to eat in the afterlife.
The other thing I made a point to do on my weekend alone was hit up all of the famous night markets. On Saturday, that was the Night Bazaar. We're talking entire streets of stands and then giant market buildings along the side which are also filled with everything from painted elephant keychains to the flowiest, most colorful pants you can imagine. What do both of those things have in common? They have great smile inducing properties for your humble blogger. What else did the Saturday Night Bazaar have to offer? Food. More food than you could ever imagine. Now you don't come 24 hours on a plane hating the food of the place you're going and I love Thai food as much as, if possibly even more than, the next guy, but when you eat nothing else for 2 months, guess what? Mexican food sounds really good. As luck would have it, at the end of the street of shops, I stumbled upon the most beautiful beer garden. I happily overpaid for a beer and a Mexican burrito bowl (nowhere near the caliber of Chipotle, I'm afraid, but still tasty) and sat on the hay bales that had been laid around to be used as benches. Because the world is a beautiful little ball of happy coincidences and terrific moments, the DJ made sure to play song after song after song in Spanish. Tears were imminent and part of being alone meant that I honestly didn't care if anyone looked at me sideways for my excessive smile and over the top joy because I was already the only weirdo without a buddy. Let them wonder what they were missing out on.
As much of a success as the Nigh Bazaar was, I didn't buy much and although I was impressed, I was completely floored by what Sunday night had to offer. I thought I'd seen it all, you see. Sometimes you get cocky when you travel. A night market? Sure, I'm always down, but please don't expect to blow my mind or anything. Oh man, was I wrong. To be honest, there is no way to describe it so I won't even try. All that I can say is that at the end of the day there is a reason Chiang Mai is on the map for one of the biggest tourist destinations in the world and I think any travel blog will tell you that one of the main reasons for that is this Sunday night market. Forget about it if you struggle with decisions, like I do, but even that and the crowds (my kryptonite) could deter me from spending hours there trying to see every booth; a task I soon learned was impossible.
This event was so big that when the time came to make plans for the second weekend, I convinced myself that I needed to leave Monday morning instead of Sunday night.
Now, even I will say that no matter how much I loved Chiang Mai the first time, it was very unlike me to show up a second weekend in a row. However, when some of my friends from training who are teaching in Krabi (a Thai city in the south an hour from the beach where it, apparently, never stops raining) told me that they would be there since they had the week off school, I couldn't resist the opportunity to meet up with them. We had a total blast!
Saturday morning, we shared a delicious breakfast at a Mexican restaurant that had huevos rancheros on the menu- cue the "homesicknessy" tears that come with the universe aligning to give you a small little hug to let you know that its got your back. Afterwards we went to the Grand Canyon. That's right, folks, we popped onto a plane headed for Arizona and 24 hours later got to see the deepest pit in the world just in time to catch another day-long flight back. That's not really true, of course, but I bet you didn't know that there is a Thai version of the Grand Canyon and can be found in none other than Chiang Mai.
Although they made the Human Lifejacket (I'm still just not totally satisfied with my superhero name, but this will do for now) wear a lifejacket, I still had a wonderful time swimming in this beautiful pit that wasn't quite as big as the one in the US. There was even a spot for some cliff diving but I respectfully declined the opportunity.
My Krabi buddies had to leave after breakfast on Sunday, but me and my fellow Piriyalai English-teacher, decided that we wanted to take full advantage of being in a big city and do things that one can't do in Phrae. We went to the movies and saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them in English! The traffic was horrible and we arrived "late" but there are definitely more commercials in Thailand than I've ever seen, not to mention there is a King's song where all in the theater are compelled to stand to show fealty. It was the first time I'd seen the new official "King photo" of the new King and I have to admit I was a little confused initially. I never did make it to the movies when Bumihbol's face was on the big screen and I'm a little sad about that to be honest.
Of course I hit up the Sunday market again and made it home in time on Monday to get some work done. Not to beat a dead horse (and also, not to merely repeat anything you'll ever find on tourist websites about Thailand) but if you do make it to Southeast Asia anytime soon, CM needs to be on your list. Amazing!
It's taken 2 months, but I've finally made it to the capital of the north, otherwise known as "the whole reason some people go to Thailand," or what you'll find on the map- Chiang Mai. In the past 2 weeks, I've spent a total of 6 days there and that adds up to about a million and three moments where I had to stop and think, "You're in Thailand, girlfriend."
Even the bus ride from Phrae to Chiang Mai (a windy 4 hour trip) is like a person tour of a national park. I felt like we were disrupting a rainforest, everywhere I looked was green, green and more green. I think my jaw went a bit slack at times and I certainly couldn't look away for most of the entire trip.
When you get to Chiang Mai, the beauty continues but what you see more in the Old City is the human-made variety. I honestly felt like you could havae given a monkey a go pro and sent her out to haphazardly take random pictures of the city and more than 80% of those pictures would be Time magazine worthy. There is something to be said about putting down the iPhone and letting the sites surround you, taking it all in and I know that even those pictures carefully framed and shot aren't as good as the real thing, but I had to make it a point at times because I was so driven towards the documentation aspect.
The first weekend that I headed up, I was mostly on my own. I did meet up with some friends on the last night but the first 2 days were spent with me, myself and I. Something that I've been able to realize about myself here in Thailand is that I can be independent when need be. I feel like a growth curve of my life (age on the x-axis and personal strength on the y) would show an insane leap in these past few months and most of that has to do with this forced solitude. When you are not in a group of people all the time and bound by the whims of the majority, you see your own desires and personality pretty clearly in a way that you didn't even realize you were missing out on. There is definitely a stigmatism to it- when is the last time you went out to eat at a restaurant by yourself? To the movies? But, god, when you get over that, there is certainly something liberating about it too!
What did Jesi decide to do with Jesi that first weekend? Well, a lot of temples and coffee houses were visited. But, when you are in Chiang Mai, there are a lot of temples and coffee houses to check out so the pressure to see and try them all is pretty real.
I love temples for many reasons. Maybe you'll recall in a previous blog the cameo of the words "I love cathedrals," and a lot of the principles to both statements are the same, but if possible I love Buddhist temples even more. How can you not love a place where you are obligated to remove your shoes to enter? In all seriousness, I've always been comforted by traditions and I like to learn about Buddhism in general. Every time I go to a new temple, I feel like I learn something new. Ever realize there are 7 forms of the Buddha? Those are for the seven days of the week. Ever realize that people always donate food? That food is not for the Buddha, or the King, or dead ancestors (my mind always went to Día de muertos), it is for the person donating said food to eat in the afterlife.
 |
| This canal wraps all the way around the Old City of Chiang Mai which, for geographically oriented people like myself is thankfully shaped in a perfect square. |
 |
| Rest in Peace. |
 |
| Did I said I did Chiang Mai all alone? Maybe I had company for a lunch or two. This is Noodle, named for floppiness. |
 |
| This is a picture of a scene inside of my favorite temple compound, Wat Lok Molee. How does one pick a favorite temple? you may ask. I think it's safe to say that you just know because when I walked into to this temple I just did. |
The other thing I made a point to do on my weekend alone was hit up all of the famous night markets. On Saturday, that was the Night Bazaar. We're talking entire streets of stands and then giant market buildings along the side which are also filled with everything from painted elephant keychains to the flowiest, most colorful pants you can imagine. What do both of those things have in common? They have great smile inducing properties for your humble blogger. What else did the Saturday Night Bazaar have to offer? Food. More food than you could ever imagine. Now you don't come 24 hours on a plane hating the food of the place you're going and I love Thai food as much as, if possibly even more than, the next guy, but when you eat nothing else for 2 months, guess what? Mexican food sounds really good. As luck would have it, at the end of the street of shops, I stumbled upon the most beautiful beer garden. I happily overpaid for a beer and a Mexican burrito bowl (nowhere near the caliber of Chipotle, I'm afraid, but still tasty) and sat on the hay bales that had been laid around to be used as benches. Because the world is a beautiful little ball of happy coincidences and terrific moments, the DJ made sure to play song after song after song in Spanish. Tears were imminent and part of being alone meant that I honestly didn't care if anyone looked at me sideways for my excessive smile and over the top joy because I was already the only weirdo without a buddy. Let them wonder what they were missing out on.
As much of a success as the Nigh Bazaar was, I didn't buy much and although I was impressed, I was completely floored by what Sunday night had to offer. I thought I'd seen it all, you see. Sometimes you get cocky when you travel. A night market? Sure, I'm always down, but please don't expect to blow my mind or anything. Oh man, was I wrong. To be honest, there is no way to describe it so I won't even try. All that I can say is that at the end of the day there is a reason Chiang Mai is on the map for one of the biggest tourist destinations in the world and I think any travel blog will tell you that one of the main reasons for that is this Sunday night market. Forget about it if you struggle with decisions, like I do, but even that and the crowds (my kryptonite) could deter me from spending hours there trying to see every booth; a task I soon learned was impossible.
This event was so big that when the time came to make plans for the second weekend, I convinced myself that I needed to leave Monday morning instead of Sunday night.
Now, even I will say that no matter how much I loved Chiang Mai the first time, it was very unlike me to show up a second weekend in a row. However, when some of my friends from training who are teaching in Krabi (a Thai city in the south an hour from the beach where it, apparently, never stops raining) told me that they would be there since they had the week off school, I couldn't resist the opportunity to meet up with them. We had a total blast!
Saturday morning, we shared a delicious breakfast at a Mexican restaurant that had huevos rancheros on the menu- cue the "homesicknessy" tears that come with the universe aligning to give you a small little hug to let you know that its got your back. Afterwards we went to the Grand Canyon. That's right, folks, we popped onto a plane headed for Arizona and 24 hours later got to see the deepest pit in the world just in time to catch another day-long flight back. That's not really true, of course, but I bet you didn't know that there is a Thai version of the Grand Canyon and can be found in none other than Chiang Mai.
Although they made the Human Lifejacket (I'm still just not totally satisfied with my superhero name, but this will do for now) wear a lifejacket, I still had a wonderful time swimming in this beautiful pit that wasn't quite as big as the one in the US. There was even a spot for some cliff diving but I respectfully declined the opportunity.
My Krabi buddies had to leave after breakfast on Sunday, but me and my fellow Piriyalai English-teacher, decided that we wanted to take full advantage of being in a big city and do things that one can't do in Phrae. We went to the movies and saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them in English! The traffic was horrible and we arrived "late" but there are definitely more commercials in Thailand than I've ever seen, not to mention there is a King's song where all in the theater are compelled to stand to show fealty. It was the first time I'd seen the new official "King photo" of the new King and I have to admit I was a little confused initially. I never did make it to the movies when Bumihbol's face was on the big screen and I'm a little sad about that to be honest.
Of course I hit up the Sunday market again and made it home in time on Monday to get some work done. Not to beat a dead horse (and also, not to merely repeat anything you'll ever find on tourist websites about Thailand) but if you do make it to Southeast Asia anytime soon, CM needs to be on your list. Amazing!
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