"Alone" and "lonely" aren't the same thing. One is a physical state of being and the other is 100% emotional. However, the two go so closely hand in hand that that differentiation isn't always evident, or even existent. Being one without the other is either a frightening predicament or an incredible achievement. Basically, it can come down to your own way of looking at life but it can also be a product of circumstances outside of your control.
For the past three Christmas seasons (I'm including this one), I have been outside of the states, but not once yet have I been alone OR lonely. That first year in Mexico, Friedly trip abruptly cancelled, Colleen still made it down, ergo neither of us was alone at all. The second year, my family was able to make the visit and it felt like any other Christmas because, really what is Christmas, anyway, but time with Family?
This year, even with my countless Christmas "lessons" for my Mathayom 3 classrooms, it still shocks me that I have found myself, today, writing a blog on Christmas eve. I'm used to the lack of white wonderland (I may not like it, but I have learned to accept that the season isn't always snowy or cold), but the lack of anything is strange. Even before my American visitors arrived, the office at INAOE was always more than festive. We had a Christmas tree and we had a gift exchange and Cholula was lit up with Christmas lights for weeks before the day and weeks after. It was present in my life. Not here.
I'm sitting in a café, alone and maybe a little lonely, trying to get in the spirit but it's not so easy. This cafe looks the same as always and the music dancing through the speakers isn't even Christmasy. It's not all in Thai but even the English stuff is what they always play here. Nothing has been altered in any way to acknowledge what today is. Tonight I am taking an overnight bus to Bangkok to see some friends from training and while I'm excited to have plans... there is still this nervousness present in my heart. While I am going to, presumably, meet up with people, I'm still going alone. The hostel I booked, is for me, alone. I won't even have a seat-mate on the 9 hour bus ride. It's a strange feeling and it reminds me of the moment I realized that the Thai language was a challenge that I had not fully appreciated or anticipated. This aloneness wasn't avoided (and maybe it couldn't have been anyway) but I didn't think it would affect me this much.
Yes, missing holidays with family is hard no matter where you are. It doesn't matter if all the people around you are overdoing it with their own joy or if they barely recognize that the day is something significant for you at all; the people that know "your" traditions and do all the right things to make Christmas what it is for you aren't there to fill in the picture.
Outlook is everything, right? And Christmas is "just a day." That means I'm going to have to try and take control of the "circumstances out of my control" and remember, once again, that I chose to be here and I'm genuinely glad for it (every other day of the year). I might be more alone than I've ever been before (holiday or no) but I refuse to be lonely.
Allow me to wish everyone the best Christmas possible and an amazing entry into 2017! Photos to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment